The Abusive Mentality:1

I feel that this topic is so serious and so severely misunderstood that I am going to blog pieces of Lundy Bancroft's book for a bit. Here are a list of realities about abusers,

1. He is controlling.
2. He feels entitled.
3. He twists things into their opposites.
4. He disrespects his partner and feels that he is superior to her.
5. He confuses love and abuse.
6. He is manipulative.
7. He strives to have a good public image.
8. He feels justified.
9. Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
10. Abusers are possessive.

I'll get into the details later. I firmly believe that the teaching that the husband has more authority than the wife is a condition in which abuse thrives. This does not mean that men who are not exposed to this teaching in church cannot find it somewhere else. This does not mean that women cannot be abusive. This means, simply put, the notion that one person has more authority than the other is a reality of abuse.

I feel that this is a safety issue, so I am going to comment on compegal.

Myths about abuse by Lundy Bancroft

In complegalitarian the conversation has turned to spousal violence. It is a place where many commenters like to be anonymous, although maintaining a name of some kind. I support anonymity in this context and I am disappointed that real names have been introduced into published comments in this context, betraying the confidentiality of at least one commenter. Let me repeat, I support anonymity in this context and I would like to promote it.

For this reason and others, I am a conscientious objector to the complegalitarian blog. However, I feel the need to comment on this most recent post. First, the author, Marilyn asks some good questions.

One commenter responds,

Yes, symptoms become causes in their own right, but the root causes are nonetheless other.

A person’s personality type (here, OCEAN, the big five personality traits, is more helpful perhaps than Myers-Briggs: watch out for neuroticism and disagreeableness), upbringing, history of being abused by others, family of origin’s history of mental illness and personal history of mental illness, personal choices in terms of substance abuse, self-medication, and patterns of addiction - these things are the root causes of abuse.

Now, let me introduce you to Lundy Bancroft, who I believe is a recognized author in this area. In fact, I believe he is the best.

The Myths about Abusers page 23 - 24

1. He was abused as a child.
2.His previous partner abused him.
3.He abuses those he loves the most.
4. He holds in his feelings too much.
5. He has an aggressive personality.
6. He loses control.
7. He is too angry.
8.He is mentally ill.
9. He hates women.
10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11. He has low-self-esteem.
12.His boss mistreats him.
13.He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
15.His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
16.He is a victim of racism.
17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

Bancroft meticulously supports his claims that it is a myth that these things cause someone to become an abuser.

Thank you, Lundy Bancroft. I will blog soon about some of the causes of abuse.

Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? I recommend this as the best book on the topic. It takes no position on any religious viewpoint. It is refreshingly devoid of that kind of comment. Every pastor should own this book.